Sunday, November 2, 2014

I want more than a paycheck

I didn't forget about my blog. Really. I continue to struggle with blogging. I have a lot of things to blog about, but I have to censor myself sometimes. I am really struggling to just write this entry.  I used to write my blog as if I didn't have readers.  I am sure I really don't have many readers now anyway, so maybe I should continue to do that.

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The last time I really chatted, I was just about to start a new job. I have been at the new job now for two months. ok. It is a job. It pays the bills. I work primarily in home health, with half of it being in the general community and the other half, I am in assisted living facilities. It's ok.  It isn't my dream job and it isn't a job I want to be doing the rest of my career, but it is a job that I will be learning things in. I am  not working the hours, however,  I was promised and that has been the most frustrating thing of all.

Three weeks ago, I sent a lengthy email to my regional boss, we had a telephone chat and agreed to keep touching base on things. I mentioned that I may look for another part time position to help balance my hours better. He said he understood. So let's hope he does actually understand if and when I find a part time position.
I recently applied for and got a telephone interview for a part time role. It actually is a role that could eventually turn into full time. The problem is that I don't have the specific experience to do what this new role would do. It would involve helping to develop a work rehabilitation/work hardening program for a local clinic. This would actually be pretty dang exciting. I have never set up a program this extensive before, only smaller initiatives. What if I could really grow this? Enough to have another OT on staff with me!? I think I would do well in this area, to be honest. I think I would feel like it is more than just a paycheck, you  know?

I also ended up with a phone interview and a scheduled face to face interview with a smaller clinic in town. I could really see myself growing there as well.... It is a combo of both peds and adults. And omg I would really love to return to pediatrics, you guys. Even though I sold or gave away a lot of my peds equipment and textbooks (which is ok, because textbooks go obsolete every few years anyway, so it won't hurt to get new ones. :D)

I got into this career because I wanted to help people. I am right now in the sort of role, in my current job, working with people that don't necessarily want to be helped. They are an older genre who fight change with every fiber of their being. It is hard to work with the type of group that feels this way. Shoot, there are actually a good amount of people NOT older that feel this way as well. I will probably always run into it. But hopefully not with 75% of my clients....

Sunday, August 17, 2014

Not going to give up this time....

The most difficult thing for me since Avery came along...? My body image. I know, I know. This is where I should be spouting off how happy I am to have this AMAZING body that grew a human being, dammit. And believe me...I am. But for those who have known me online for a long time, I once struggled with an eating disorder (sort of, it was mostly anxiety induced). Not so much online, but I have talked about it. 

When I was 21 years old, I weighed in at an unhealthy (for my height) 103 lbs. In my mid twenties, I was at around 125-130, had a year or two of creeping up into the high 140s. 

I now weigh in at 154. Before I was pregnant, I was 142. And before my hip injury, I was a happy 135-138. That's a lot of numbers. What I have learned about every single number is that I didn't like any of them at the time. I always still thought I was too heavy. Too far. At 135, however, that's where I felt like I looked the healthiest even if I didn't love the number. At that time I was fit. I could run without much issue (though I didn't love it). I had time to work out and enjoy it. 

I recently had a meltdown because no matter how careful I have been as far as food intake, I am still stuck. If history has taught me anything, I have also realized that I'm just maintaining my weight. And the only thing I need to do is reinvigorate my love for exercise. More than 2-3 times a week of moderate level workouts. I need at least 2-3 days of cardio other than walking, and 2-3 of strength training.

I have been sitting on this plan for a couple of weeks now. Sitting. Waiting to start it. But the motivation is lacking. I don't understand why seeing as though I'm miserable in the current state of my body. I feel so awkward. No wait. Let me say it differently. In my brain, I feel like I'm just as thin as I always was. Then I look in the mirror and am shocked that my body isn't what I thought it was. I just....struggle to find time to work out. I can barely find time to clean, work full time, take care of Avery, maintain a sane marriage and make sure I have time for me. I guess from here on out, me time is now exercise OR relaxation time. I can't have both (unless it's yoga then sure!!).

Oh you guys, I don't want you to comment that I look great right now. Mostly because I'm not looking for compliments....shoot, I just went off in twitter yesterday over people who do that and are sooooo blatantly doing that.

I just needed to get this out there. Because I need to be accountable. Because I need to start this. And because I need a break from my scale while I start this journey. I needed to vent my frustrations in more than 140 twitter characters.

There is one thing that can ruin this journey and that is a scale. Because if I don't see numbers change as fast as I think they should, forget it. I give up. 

I don't want to give up this time. No way.

Friday, August 1, 2014

Avery turned 1!!

Well, about two months ago, she turned one. This is not a recent thing. Ha. Anyway.... May 31. She turned one and I just can't fathom it, you guys. Not for one single second. I scoffed at all the old ladies who reminded me time and time again that I needed to cherish all the time we had. They were not kidding. It takes all of me to not shout out to current ladies I know that are pregnant or with newborns "OMG IT GOES SO FAST!!" Because it is cliche -- but oh so true.

Anyway, you all have seen most of these photos already but I can't help but post them. In case we aren't Facebook or Instagram friends, I suppose. Also, she is just the cutest thing ever. Just saying.We had the best time. She wasn't sure at first about being the center of attention, but it didn't take her long to eat it all up. And she wasn't sure about the cupcake. I had to stick some in her mouth and break it up a bit fore her, then she was all about it.

I feel like now, things have been happening very fast. Just about 2.5 weeks after her first birthday, she finally began army crawling, then full speed crawling on the same exact day.  Then about a month after that, she began pulling herself up to stand. I am waiting VERY patiently....for her to start walking. I'm not ready for that just yet. She has yet to completely figure out cruising and I am very ok with that. 

Here's to another wonderful year, miss A!