Friday, November 28, 2014

Things are still up in the air. It sucks....

So! Turn of events. I ended up taking that part time position I talked about. The one I wasn't sure about. It is an outpatient position that will focus a lot on upper extremity rehabilitation and eventually, a lot more. The position that was with a private clinic in town?? Turns out, I need to stay away from said clinic. I ended up, while at an orientation for a new PRN job, meeting the OT that left that clinic. He was not able to tell me much, as he had been forced to sign a non-disclosure and non-compete clause with the company. But in gist, he basically told me to avoid it. And so did my mentor when I chatted with him on the phone the very next day. Needless to say, I emailed them and cancelled my interview. I really really really wanted to tell them why (your clinic is said to possibly be practicing things that, while not illegal, may be extremely unethical!), but I did not. I obviously would have given them names of the people I had heard things from, but still.

I am very excited about this part time opportunity, but I am also having a mini heart attack over everything right now and what is to come. I am currently in a full time role, that has never actually gotten to full time, which SUCKS. I have worked there now for 4 months. 4 MONTHS. I have been patient. I have worked hard. I have done what needs to get done. I am a good employee. But alas, I have not been rewarded. It is not necessarily my fault and it may not be my bosses fault. But I sure as heck am cranky. We talked almost two months ago about things. And he has pretty much avoided me since.

I emailed him a few days ago to let him know I had accepted a part time position. He emails then calls me, promising that things are looking up! My hours should be going up! I may be soon turning into a salaried employee instead of hourly! I hold him no. I'd rather be part time. His niceness quickly turned to...not so nice. I am stressing about this inside. I don't want to screw them over, but I feel like I am really being screwed over. He told me that the company doesn't "like" to hire people as part time. Mostly full time and PRN. Fine, I reply, classify me as PRN. He would still have to keep me on the caseload until the found a new full timer. Whatever. I am so angry.  I feel like he has no right to be upset at me at all.  I told him two months ago that this was something I was considering. He told me on our first phone call that what I did was fair. That he totally understands. So I don't get it. I don't get what changed.

I now feel like dragging my feet in the mud in this role. I don't even CARE.  I want to cry just thinking about having to return there. I'm SURE my other supervisor is totally thrilled with all of this. :p

I just hope I can turn this other job into more hours. And quickly....

Sunday, November 2, 2014

I want more than a paycheck

I didn't forget about my blog. Really. I continue to struggle with blogging. I have a lot of things to blog about, but I have to censor myself sometimes. I am really struggling to just write this entry.  I used to write my blog as if I didn't have readers.  I am sure I really don't have many readers now anyway, so maybe I should continue to do that.

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The last time I really chatted, I was just about to start a new job. I have been at the new job now for two months. It...is ok. It is a job. It pays the bills. I work primarily in home health, with half of it being in the general community and the other half, I am in assisted living facilities. It's ok.  It isn't my dream job and it isn't a job I want to be doing the rest of my career, but it is a job that I will be learning things in. I am  not working the hours, however,  I was promised and that has been the most frustrating thing of all.

Three weeks ago, I sent a lengthy email to my regional boss, we had a telephone chat and agreed to keep touching base on things. I mentioned that I may look for another part time position to help balance my hours better. He said he understood. So let's hope he does actually understand if and when I find a part time position.
I recently applied for and got a telephone interview for a part time role. It actually is a role that could eventually turn into full time. The problem is that I don't have the specific experience to do what this new role would do. It would involve helping to develop a work rehabilitation/work hardening program for a local clinic. This would actually be pretty dang exciting. I have never set up a program this extensive before, only smaller initiatives. What if I could really grow this? Enough to have another OT on staff with me!? I think I would do well in this area, to be honest. I think I would feel like it is more than just a paycheck, you  know?

I also ended up with a phone interview and a scheduled face to face interview with a smaller clinic in town. I could really see myself growing there as well.... It is a combo of both peds and adults. And omg I would really love to return to pediatrics, you guys. Even though I sold or gave away a lot of my peds equipment and textbooks (which is ok, because textbooks go obsolete every few years anyway, so it won't hurt to get new ones. :D)

I got into this career because I wanted to help people. I am right now in the sort of role, in my current job, working with people that don't necessarily want to be helped. They are an older genre who fight change with every fiber of their being. It is hard to work with the type of group that feels this way. Shoot, there are actually a good amount of people NOT older that feel this way as well. I will probably always run into it. But hopefully not with 75% of my clients....

Sunday, August 17, 2014

Not going to give up this time....

The most difficult thing for me since Avery came along...? My body image. I know, I know. This is where I should be spouting off how happy I am to have this AMAZING body that grew a human being, dammit. And believe me...I am. But for those who have known me online for a long time, I once struggled with an eating disorder (sort of, it was mostly anxiety induced). Not so much online, but I have talked about it. 

When I was 21 years old, I weighed in at an unhealthy (for my height) 103 lbs. In my mid twenties, I was at around 125-130, had a year or two of creeping up into the high 140s. 

I now weigh in at 154. Before I was pregnant, I was 142. And before my hip injury, I was a happy 135-138. That's a lot of numbers. What I have learned about every single number is that I didn't like any of them at the time. I always still thought I was too heavy. Too far. At 135, however, that's where I felt like I looked the healthiest even if I didn't love the number. At that time I was fit. I could run without much issue (though I didn't love it). I had time to work out and enjoy it. 

I recently had a meltdown because no matter how careful I have been as far as food intake, I am still stuck. If history has taught me anything, I have also realized that I'm just maintaining my weight. And the only thing I need to do is reinvigorate my love for exercise. More than 2-3 times a week of moderate level workouts. I need at least 2-3 days of cardio other than walking, and 2-3 of strength training.

I have been sitting on this plan for a couple of weeks now. Sitting. Waiting to start it. But the motivation is lacking. I don't understand why seeing as though I'm miserable in the current state of my body. I feel so awkward. No wait. Let me say it differently. In my brain, I feel like I'm just as thin as I always was. Then I look in the mirror and am shocked that my body isn't what I thought it was. I just....struggle to find time to work out. I can barely find time to clean, work full time, take care of Avery, maintain a sane marriage and make sure I have time for me. I guess from here on out, me time is now exercise OR relaxation time. I can't have both (unless it's yoga then sure!!).

Oh you guys, I don't want you to comment that I look great right now. Mostly because I'm not looking for compliments....shoot, I just went off in twitter yesterday over people who do that and are sooooo blatantly doing that.

I just needed to get this out there. Because I need to be accountable. Because I need to start this. And because I need a break from my scale while I start this journey. I needed to vent my frustrations in more than 140 twitter characters.

There is one thing that can ruin this journey and that is a scale. Because if I don't see numbers change as fast as I think they should, forget it. I give up. 

I don't want to give up this time. No way.
 
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