Thursday, April 10, 2014

She'll be fine. I hope.

Look, I get it. I worry too much. I overthink way too often. But it's just who I am.  My current overthinking is all about Avery. As usual.  For the last couple of months, I have been lamenting on her current inability to crawl. But thinking and looking back at things, I should have really been lamenting on other things in regards to her gross motor abilities. She is so cautious. I don't understand why. I don't understand why she she is so stiff, why she prefers extension over flexion. I don't understand why she is so uncomfortable with weight shifting. Why she isn't trying to right herself. I don't understand why.

As an occupational therapist? This makes me feel like a partial failure. Because there are a number of different things she is behind on that I could have been working on. And now I feel like I'm too late to personally try anything.  I feel horrible that I have to send her to day care full time and I can't keep her home to work on these things. I contemplate asking daycare to try a few things here and there, but I can't know if these things are going to be done correctly.  I also feel at a loss and maybe I'm not doing these things correctly. Because when I try things with her, she freaks out.  Maybe I'm too stressed and not comfortable enough to handle this on my own.

I know it is not the end of the world to get referred to Early Intervention or a private PT. So many kiddos are and they turn out just fine. It doesn't mean that this is the start of a long road of needed services. And even if it does, I will figure it all out.  But this is really hard, you guys. It's hard.

It's so hard to see other people's YOUNGER kids doing things Avery hasn't even begun to attempt.  It breaks my freaking heart, you guys.  Seeing so many pictures on social media. Seeing the other babies that were born around the same time as Avery in our church.  Everywhere I go people are asking me if she's getting around and getting into trouble. I say no, and they all look at me  knowingly and tell me that she must just be lazy or she'll get there in no time! Before I know it she'll be all over the place. I'd like for that to be true, but the more I analyze it, the more behind I realize she is. The movements she should have been able to do 3-4 months ago, for instance.

I don't want to get into all the technical talk.  Just know I'm struggling so very much right now. Please think of me and Avery (and Dan, too. Though, frankly, I don't think they same weight is felt by him. He probably has the better attitude of us both. That she'll be fine. And she will be....But I need her fine sooner rather than later.)

Sunday, March 23, 2014

Coming through on the other side...

This week, for the first time in a very long time...I finally feel like I'm seeing the light at the end of the PPD tunnel. I woke up one morning and didn't have as much of an issue getting out of bed. I was feeling rather positive. I started this week decreasing my Lexapro and I'm wondering, actually, if that hasn't contributed to things getting better. Sometimes that stuff helps my anxiety, but sometimes it makes me feel so ridiculously numb.

Today, for the first time in the 9 months since Avery was born, I got on the treadmill and worked out and didn't feel like complete crap when I was done. Normally, I have been feeling like garbage within minutes of starting. In fact, today, I even bit it on the treadmill at the gym. My knee got really scraped up, but I was able to get back up and get back on it to finish my workout. It felt GREAT to get through it even though I was understandably sore. I did day one of week 1....back on the Couch 2 5K horse today and I feel so happy!!!

I also decided to go back on a hormonal birth control this month. While it has brought about MANY annoying side effects (such as breakthrough bleeding), I'm starting to wonder if that has helped my mood some as well.

I still continue to go to therapy, but I'm no longer crying in sessions. And I'm not "fake" laughing quite as much any more either.

I have lost weight, but not sure how much. I haven't gotten on a scale in a couple of weeks, but I can just tell. Maybe it's because I gave up excess sugars for Lent (no candy or ice cream. WAH!! And I've only been letting myself have 8oz of Coca Cola on Fridays only. Hey! The Catholics get Fish Fry Fridays, darn it).  But I had a major day yesterday. I pulled on a pair of American Eagle Slim Boot cut jeans. In a size 8. I was in a 6 before getting pregnant. So being in a size 8 right now?? FEELS AMAZING.  Thanks to the mommy tummy I'm still working on, they don't look quite like I want them to just yet. But I'm getting there. :)

Just to share a few pics of my body:

June 2014, a week post partum

March 2014. 9 months post partum. 

I still have a lot of work to do, but you know what? I've done well. And now that this horrible cloud of depression is leaving, I can finally focus on taking care of MYSELF. 

Sunday, March 16, 2014

A weight on my chest...

I wish I could explain what it is about anxiety that completely screws up my day. Why it ruined a perfectly fabulous weekend for me. I had training this weekend to help me prep for taking an OT student in the fall. I'm wondering if part of the problem is that I'm feeling anxious, in general, about HAVING a student. 

It's certainly overwhelming. The responsibility of making sure a student is at entry level in the school setting....I am almost afraid I can't handle it. That I don't even know enough to teach the student!!!  

I think the fieldwork coordinator who was instructing the course wanted to beat me over the head with a book....

I woke up this morning with the tightness of anxiety horribly sitting on my chest. Not letting me breathe. It. Sucked. I had moments that it went better. I had moments that were really bad. 

I am now sitting on that couch in comfy clothes. Feeling exhausted. Buzzing with internal anxiety means, however, that test isn't coming easily. This has been like this since the baby was born. 

It got better at one point then got worse again after I weaned from pumping. Can't. Do. This. My doc and counselor both said I should increase my Lexapro dosage. I don't WANT to. But I should. And quit caffeine for good. 

Right now I am just desperate to relax and enjoy time with my family.