Sunday, May 10, 2015

panic

There's something about anxiety that always kills me. I can't always understand it. Why it's bothered to even show up. It was a rough week with it, for some reason. I am trying to figure out why it's bad. I had PMS last week and normally anxiety is BEFORE. I had gluten on Sunday, half a beer. Was that it?  Maybe my seasonal allergies had me going? Who knows.

That's my cycle every single time I have an anxiety attack or a bad week of anxiety. It sucks so badly.

I will admit that things are improving greatly, though, as of late. Granted, I had a bad week, but it wasn't as bad as it could be. I just had a consistent buzzing feeling within my entire body. Tough.  But prior to this weird week, I saw a difference in my body. I quit hormonal birth control in February. I had been on the Nuva ring since last fall. And before we had Avery, I had been on it then. In fact, I had been on that for nearly 10 years before she was born (with a few months here and there on other types of BC pills during that timeline...when I was trying to save $$. The Nuva Ring is crazy $$!).

I had sat down and thought about the weight I wasn't able to lose after having Avery. The years and years of anxiety that also plagued me... Almost since I first ...went....on....birth control. MIND. BLOWN.

Seriously. I know that I am naturally a crazy person. Always hyped up and nervous. But the hormones made me just that much crazier. There's a lot to think about, as far as not wanting to have any more kids. So tracking things are going to be that much more of a headache.

But I'd rather not be in a constant state of panic.

Sunday, March 22, 2015

Home improvements: An update

We have talked over and over again about what we need to do about our living situation. Whether to sell or to update this house into something more functional. Over time, we have decided...

To stay here.

Yes. Stay in our adorable little 1100 square foot cape cod bungalow. We have heating/cooling/electric bills that average $150-200 a month (it gets closer to $200 when it is super cold or super hot outside). There is less to clean. There is less space for stuff we don't need. And it adorable (or at least has the potential to be!).

It is super adorable, it is, but not always functional. But we got to thinking and discussing...Not functional for WHAT exactly? Sure! We'd love to hold bigger family gatherings here....But those don't exactly happen often. We don't have a huge family. Right now, the majority of our holiday happenings with my family are at someone else's house because they all live in a central location. Not anywhere near our house.

We don't have a huge group of close friends. We have friends here and there, but none are a part of a huge group.  Even when we get together with our church group, we let someone with a HUGE house deal with the hosting of the get togethers. Besides, I don't love hosting events anyway. Too much STRESS.

Now, last year, we had some major thoughts on what to do on the inside of the house to make a few changes. The quote we got back was absolutely insane. Like, INSANE. So there may be areas, over time, we don't tackle. Like the basement. As much as I'd like to finish off part of it and have a guest room down there? It's not required. So....that room is a maybe.

We also want to update our kitchen. The original plan? Was new cabinets. But you know what? We can make do with our own. Maybe hire someone (or *GASP* attempt ourselves) to repaint those. Then install new flooring, counter tops and a backsplash, new sink etc.  We might lose cabinet space by installing a small dishwasher, but that's ok. We don't need to make up for it by buying $5000-7000 worth of new cabinets.

The non-negotiable that I want to happen at some point while living here, however? Is having a new configuration in our bedroom. We live on the top level of this cape cod. Sloped ceilings and all. I want a new closet area built, and our current closet? Turned into a powder room. I don't care about having two showers, necessarily, int his house. But two toilets will be a life saver at some point.

But the real kicker?? Is our plan for the OUTSIDE of our house. Which, we hope, can get scheduled at some point in early summer. New siding, new roof. The works. Our front porch and pack patio deck will be ripped out as well. The foundation will be repainted. I am so freaking excited....

I will finally get a red door. But even better....A FREAKING ENERGY EFFICIENT DOOR. HAAA!! Two of them! One in the front AND the side! While my house does not look like this (but man, I wish it did. Love the windows on the second floor), I used this picture on Pinterest as a nice little inspiration:

Screenshot 2015-03-22 13.32.22

I can't freaking WAIT.

Here is a current picture of our house (albeit, it's a funky stretched out picture from the cover of the quote from the siding/roofing company). There is snow on the roof in this picture. Imagine it with grey siding and a red door. :) The upper portion of the cables will be in shake sidding in a slightly darker great, the little peaks above the door will have this as well. I haven't decided yet if we are going to get shutters for the front windows. I am fearful the house will look too dull with out them. What do you think?

Screenshot 2015-03-22 13.35.04

 

 

Ugh. I chickened out....

It's almost April and I realize that it has been awhile since I wrote here. I have had a lot going on in the last month. And more than once I have thought about sitting and writing about what is on my mind, but I struggle to do that sometimes.  I have been, in general, OVER talking on social media much. It's one thing to post here and there on FB. It's another to get into discussions via Twitter and Facebook posts. I still engage in it, but not very often.

I got thrown under the bus earlier this month. In short, I said something on FB that inadvertently offended someone. Someone I really didn't mean to offend. So I vented some of my frustration on Twitter. I was so frustrated. I had been through a lot of rough crap via Twitter earlier this year and I was just OVER people being sensitive. It really wasn't directed at the person who was offended. I was just overall DONE and upset. I had been sarcastic, it was taken wrong, and I was pissed off.

A friend of mine, who was the only IRL (in real life) person I really allow on my Twitter, took a screen shot of what I was saying on Twitter...She shared it with someone (who I KNOW I do not have on my Twitter list of followers), who then posted in on FB. Like a jerk.  I haven't approached the friend about this, but I did block her and someone else from Twitter. Just in case. I don't now how to even come close to approaching her or asking about it. I'm not 100% she did it; I'm only 75% certain she shared it.  (And if she is reading this....I don't think I want to KNOW if you did it or not. Just know that if you did, that really sucked. It really really sucked. It really hurt and I'm not sure why you would do that to me. It was inappropriately mean....)

- - -

Friendships are difficult aren't they? Sometimes they seem to be unnecessarily fragile. People change. Life situations change. People grow apart over stupid things. And I wonder if that is happening here.  It things have changed so much that this friendship is under duress.

- - -

Vague. This whole post was vague. But that's what happens when you're afraid to really state how you feel....I have had a lot of time to process this and figure out how I wanted to say all this. But I chickened out... I wanted to call someone out and get this off my chest, but it isn't quite how I want it to be....
 
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